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The picture above is Rev. Kyle and Monty Riff after having eaten a bag of mushrooms and then climbed up and got stuck on the side of a butte in Utah. They were fortunate that a neighbor woman in the next valley called the police after hearing, what she called, "...horrible death screams." SERMON ONE Subject: Crowbar, The Devine Disentegrater, The Demolisher, The Monty Riff
I have sat in the pews and smelled the sermons which eminate forth from the cracks and seams of the Rev. Kyle Hatch. And, yea, tho he spake I frothed not and quivered not unto the slithers of his slinky and heinous pleas for the mercy of the Holy, the Immaculate, the Sacred instruments of the US Treasury. I have yet to bestow upon him one red copper cent. However, I have left one out in the rain, now going on a fortnight, it is changing it's red to green and will be ready for the annointment of the drop of sauce of Tabasco, cleansing in merely a symbolic way, the crust of accumulated sermonology from the donation I reserve for the Rev. Hatch's announcement of his untimely commitment to retirement.
Of course, I am upset with the attempts to mislead the flocks about the true identy of Monty Riff.
For it is I, Crowbar, The Devine Disentegrater, The Demolisher, who is the true Monty Riff. This distinction was placed upon me by the Great Bukowski himself in his book WOMEN.
And lo, when I did attempt to play the recording of his voice, by clicking upon the underlined portion of the statement, that my system did freeze up and made narry a move. I had to press the main button on my hard, shall we say, drive in order to restore order. My system will not tolerate these lies.
And verily I say unto you, 10% of the lucar received by the churchoftheeverydayman will be sent unto me via the address listed below.
Visit Monty Riff's Art and Idea Extravaganza at www.jimfranklinarts.com Enjoy! |
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SERMON TWO As I have preached time and time again, Faith Based is second only to Free Based. Was Jerry Garcia sitting in his Mercedes in Golden Gate Park praying, pray tell? No, he was Free Basing. Altho I have never smoked white powders I have used them as an application for the worrisome condition of having little else to do.
And, tho I walk thru the valley of the Shadow I shall seek no Shade. And tho He annointeth my soul with the Oil of Crisco, I shall fear no Weevel for the Worm Art with me. And tho I lie down in the green section of the HEB I shall buy no banana before it's time. And, lo, the Lard art my lubricant when the Vaseline is depleted. And yes, the water was better as water and who asked for it to be changed into wine? The Baptists? For they drinketh not wine but grape juice. And lo did anyone ask for Welches? I pray not.
Yea, as I spake unto you, pity the poor walker upon the water for they may never know the joy of swimming.
Rev. Riff, Monty, the I of Incarnation, the See of We shall See About That
SERMON THREE Subject: 709 warnings?
I can't help but notice some parallels relating to the number 709 and extreme right wing events. Of course, this is all to be viewed with skepticism but the occurance of this number in close proximity to Fascist/Nazi events is rather odd. It comes from my perhaps overly active imagination but here are some observations which have come about due to my unrelenting observation of the occurance of the 709s in the world about me. This is not to say that 709 is a Nazi number, since it is the quasi official number of the coolest and most liberal factions of Austin, hardly a Nazi hotbed. Many of us liberal Austinites use 709 in our email addresses and every year we have a 709 party on 7th day of the 09th month at 7:09 pm and the number of attendees remains rather constant. It is indeed THE Austin Number.
Across the street from Gilbert Shelton's studio in Paris (France, not Texas) is the Gymnasium Japy, which is where the French Jews, hundreds of them were children, were held before being shipped off to their deaths at the hands of Nazis while occupying France in the 1940s.
On the sidewalk next to the gym is imbedded several numbers marking driveways, the city's inventory system, is the number 070995, 070996.
In the election of 2000 there were 170,998 votes cast in Travis County, Texas.
In the election of 2000, according to the Guardian, UK, "As a painstaking Washington Post analysis of election records in eight Florida counties has now established beyond reasonable doubt, the state's voters were disenfranchised last November in extraordinarily large numbers by inadequate, antiquated balloting machinery and misleading procedures.
The intention of 45,608 of them was to vote for Al Gore, while 17,098 backed Mr Bush. But all these ballots were declared invalid due to double or mutiple-punching." Jan. 30, 2001
In 1998, while visiting Almeria, Spain, a country which had a fascist regime for 40 years after the end of WW2, I rented a car, the first car I ever drove in Europe. The license plate number of the rental was AL- 0709-Y.
The Roman cities of Pompey and Herculanium, were destroyed by Vesuvius in the year 79 (one could say that there is an invisible 0 between the 7 and 9)and rediscovered in 1709. Rome gave the world the first government to be called Fascist. The symbol is a fascia, a cluster of rods with a double edged hatchet blade inserted. When the Roman army marched thru a friendly city it carried this cluster of rods without the blade. In hostile areas the blade was inserted as a warning. The US dime has a similar cluster of rods, but with a flame coming out of the top as a torch. Of course, fire is a much more thorough destroyer than a blade. I suppose it's to be viewed as a torch of peace.
The Moors began planning their invasion of Spain in the year 709.
The first Europeans to leave their names and date carved into the sandstone at the river's edge in the Grand Canyon, Arizona were Fras Escalante and Dominguez in 1709, in search of a route from Santa Fe to San Francisco. They were there on orders from the King of Spain, the home of the Inquisition.
And considering the occurance of the Number among artist who've been associated with Austin, Texas, it is no small coincidence that Art and Artists are filed under the number 709 in the Dewey Decimal System in the libraries using that filing system. Of course, this does not mean that Austin Artists are Fascists or Nazis.
I have thought for years that 709 was a "lucky" number, yet now I begin to view it as a warning and perhaps the number which wards evil from our creative collective.
Just theory not religion. But then, religion is nothing but theory.
Yes, and lo, tho I spake and the multitudes did listen unto their radios and
players of cds and did pay not attention to what I spake for they were
cought up in their sins and the follies of their own construction. They
shall fear no evil for no evil art with them only the evil which occupies
the quarters known by all as the evil quarters. So I am out of work in the
service of my own self promotion for if the multitudes are listening to
their own devices how shall I distract them? Shall I scream and make
unseemly remarks and cause myself to become red of the face and blue of the
lip and green of the gills? Shall I make myself hoarse in the throat and
sich in the stomach and feeble in the mind? Shall I wake up the sleeping
for they art the ones who need awakening since those who are already awake
will respond poorly to awakenings? And is the coma a sound place for the
weary to reside when there are condos abailable for little down an much a
month for ever and ever? Shall the wealthy forget to look the golden calf
in the mouth and set my groin to itching? And shall they be made to pay for
my transgressions and transportation towards the other place?
For, it is without doubt, a fair day, a long night of the wandering kneecap
and the toe of yearning. And wherefore I sayeth, can there be a pot of gold
at the end of the Faith Based Rainbow or is there merely a child support
payment and a ticket stub from the viewing stands of Hannibal? For the
elephants he rode were eaten in a stew and the bones were distributed unto
the masses for they had requested them.
The Office Of The Cabinet is occupied by the appointed one. And the
cupboard is standing open where the annointed one found the Oil Of Crisco
and did annoint himself for his high command from the Supreme Leader Of The
Free World, and sent out to attend to the duties of Sheriff of the Land.
Yea, the fleece was indeed golden and difficult to shear with the tweezers
provided by the masses thru their tithes. Once the Golden Sheep were melted
down and made into an image of The Golden Calf for the perplexing ritual of
ablution with swine water upon the altar of justice, the people who were not
absorbed by the fumes of the fire were contented with flossing with the
fleece.
I speak thusly of these things for It Is Required of me by the President in
order to qualify for the funds made available by his Protestant Christian
inclusion of all things and all faiths which adhere to his learned notions
of how and where this Heaven lies and the keys to this kingdom which is open
to All who agree and All who include him in their prayers. As for the rest,
they know where they can go.
Your Reverend with the plastic finger bowl. Riff El Monty
(if I continue writing in this manner I hope to gain a grant from the
President of the United States of America and cease the constant worry about
money, like he himself do)
If you send this message to ten people within an hour of recieving it, you
will recieve the good fortune of having only yourself to blame.
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