"You people are phony bastards.... The whole damned congregation," Rev. Hatch screamed from the pulpit last sunday, but with donations being at an all-time low, the Rev. Kyle Hatch's mental state has been dissipating. He's suffering from his depression again, and, as many of you remember, the last time this happened, we were without our dear Reverend's services for three months while he was recuperating at the sanitarium. "Send in some donations," Rev. Hatch says, "or maybe I won't preach to you anymore. How'd you like that?"

The lawsuit between The Church of the Everyday Man and The Church of the EveryGAY Man is coming a little closer to being underway. We're in contact with Johnnie Cochran, among others, trying to get our legal team in place. Many of you members of the congregation most likely recall the problem we had with FORMER Rev. Jackson Head, when it came to light his vicious hatred for women and his flaming homosexuality. We, of course, don't mind homosexuals a bit--in fact, we encourage it, if that's what makes you more comfortable--but what Jackson Head did was inexcusable. "I'll beat his ass, next time I see him," Rev. Hatch says. So if any members receive any communications or pleas for donations from The Church of the EveryGAY Man, please don't be fooled by this twisted queer.... He's only trying to deceive you.... He's no longer associated with The Church of the Everyday Man; he's been banished from the congregation and stripped of his minister's credentials. More to come on these developments in the days and weeks to come.

Wanda Smelman gave birth Wednesday to fraternal twins. Unfortunately--oh...the Lord works in mysterious ways--one of them is a midget. The other is normal. We hope to have pictures to share with you soon. Howard Mymolor has stepped forward claiming responsibility, putting those rumors to rest of the babies being the work of Rev. Hatch. Howard's a mean drunk, but, according to Lyle Foote, "He's sometimes a pretty nice fella. I hope that pornography fetish of his is behind him, as he claims it is. I don't believe him.... But he's still pretty nice, sometimes."